Have you ever looked at a certain food and thought, “Yup, that’s going to make me fat,” or “If I only eat a little bit, then I won’t gain weight,” or “If I eat this, and only have a salad for dinner, I’ll be okay?” Those thoughts used to flood my mind at every meal of the day. I would be consumed with those obsessive thoughts every…single…day! Stressful, right?! I would actually kid myself and say I was doing just fine because I wasn’t exactly counting calories, I was just picturing all the food I had eaten throughout the day in my mind and restricting myself if I ate too much ‘bad’ stuff. Boy, was that a stressful period of my life!
You might ask, “How did you get past being so fearful of foods?” Well, the short answer is, I ATE them! It may seem like a simple and easy thing to do, but it most undoubtedly was NOT! I literally would get anxiety anytime I ate dessert, or a bowl of pasta, or a piece of bread, or even 1/4 of an avocado! Those were my fear foods. Foods I thought, if I consumed, then I would gain weight. I wasn’t even afraid of getting fat, I was literally afraid of gaining even 1 oz! In my mind, if I was able to weigh exactly the same everyday, then I had my life in control and everything was going to be perfect. Absolutely ridiculous, right?!
There was one point when I thought I had gained back the control, but I was only putting a band aid on the issue at hand. I would at least eat those foods, but I wouldn’t cook them myself. If I didn’t see or know exactly all of the ingredients, then I would be ‘okay.’ If I tried to make anything myself, for example a cookie, I would always chicken out because I literally could not emotionally handle knowing that there was sugar, oil, or flour in the ingredients. I would only then make ‘healthy’ versions of the foods I truly wanted and I would always feel unsatisfied afterwards. Depriving myself would 99.9% lead to overeating on chips, pretzels, rice, or chocolate later on because I was not allowing my body to enjoy the foods it was so desperately craving. Guilt and disappointment would then consume me and the vicious cycle would continue. NOT fun at all!
That cycle continued for MANY years until I finally thought to myself, “What are you doing?! I am a smart woman, why can’t I just eat foods and feel okay about it? Why does something that is supposed to provide nourishment, only provide hardships and angst?” I finally just didn’t want to live like that anymore.
Because I have a type A personality, I literally scheduled out the day I was going to make those Double Chocolate Chip Cookies shown in the picture. I was all pumped and so proud of what I was going to be doing, but then the moment came when I need to actually walk the walk. I literally thought my heart was going to come out of my chest. I was having some serious anxiety. My husband even said I could leave the kitchen and he would continue making them, BUT I said NO, I got this! I knew the anxiety I was experiencing would pass and my life wasn’t going to end if I were to make those cookies. They are just cookies, right?! So, I decided to view baking those cookies with my husband as a fun and joyful time spent in the kitchen together. And guess what, those cookies were SO good! And guess what I did? I didn’t need to overeat afterwards. I allowed myself to relish in the delights of that cookie!
It was truly a liberating experience! I absolutely felt for once in my life, I had finally gained the control back! I no longer was consumed by obsessive thoughts, and began to see food as fuel for life. For me, there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ foods out there. If I would continue to view it that way, I knew I would never gain back the control. There are only foods that feed my soul. Now, do I choose to eat a majority of what some would consider ‘healthy’ foods? Yes, because I actually LIKE them! Do I also eat foods that many would consider ‘unhealthy’? Yes, because I also LIKE them! Balance is key for creating a sustainable and achievable lifestyle that works for you!
If you are someone who is reading this and are feeling hesitant about taking action to find peace and balance in your life, I was once there too! I am here to tell ya, you’re NOT alone! I had to be my own accountability partner, but you do NOT have to do this by yourself! I am here for you! Send me an email and let’s get you on the road towards liberation!