Have you ever been in a rut and seemed like nothing could get you out? Did it ever seem like there was this little being that was just sitting on your shoulder and whenever you would try to think of something positive it would slap you and say, “eh eeh?” Well, that’s my depression. I call it the world’s worst side kick. There are days when my side kick is more outspoken then I would like and there are days when I forget it’s existence. People who have not truly experienced depression find it hard to understand why I can’t just snap out of it. Trust me, if I could I would. If any of you have seen the movie Get Out, it’s like the scene where Chris (the main character) gets hypnotized by his girlfriend’s mother and his subconscious is doing a continuous fall backwards into the deep-dark-black abyss. Just falling and falling and falling all while watching reality start to slip further and further away. Trying so hard to grab onto something but everything keeps slowly getting further out of reach. That’s why just ‘snapping’ out of it is a bit tricky. BUT I am living proof that finding light in a world so full of darkness can and is possible!
Now, even though I found a new awakening with starting school to become a Health Coach, that doesn’t mean I still don’t get sad, frustrated, discouraged, and depressed. My excitement over this new found journey is a new feeling for me and I think this unfamiliarity is what scares me. The fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, and the fear of rejection are emotions I tend to try and stay clear of. I used to live in the comforts of my own insecurity, and I know that might sound a little ironic, but it’s true. I am familiar with feeling hopeless, insecure, worthless, and alone. THOSE feelings I can relate with. What scares me is excitement, joy, adventure, happiness, and love. I can say without a doubt, that I have no idea what truly is in store for me this year. It’s scary and at times I just want to SCREAM and go back into bed, hide under the covers, and never leave! Anxiety strickin’ over pursuing a dream and actually making it a reality is not an easy task. It requires me to acknowledge daily intentions and then stick to them. And guess what, I’m doing it and it feels GREAT!
My type A and perfectionist personality does hate the idea that I do not know the ending to this story. That’s why I was in a rut. I was bombarded with these unfamiliar feelings of positivity and I had NO idea what to do with them! So many questions without answers. Ahh! My brain just would not SHUT off! I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus, I was forgetting things, in a constant brain fog, and I was on complete internal shut down. So many questions taking over my thoughts! Do I keep blogging? Do I keep posting my recipes? Do people even care about my blog? Do people care about my recipes? Will they even like my recipes? I always have gotten validation of my self worth from others, but that horrible way of living STOPS today! I blog for me. I make recipes for me. I eat a fully fattening and delicious vegan cookie for me. I keep pursing my passion for me. It is such an exhausting world to live in when you choose to only find solidarity from other people. Always waiting and on edge to see what they might say about you or even worse, what they think about you. It’s a dreadful world and I am OVER it!
Getting out of a rut will undoubtedly be challenging and you may not succeed the first, or second, or even third try, BUT keep on pushing through and with one fail swoop you’ll be able to slap that depression side kick right off your shoulder like I did! No one needs or deserves that in their life. The freedom to LOVE yourself, flaws and all, is what really matters. I am a very independent person and asking for help is not something I like to do. I have always felt I should just know the answer to every question out there and I would always choose to dwell in disparity over simply asking for help. Such an unproductive way to live! Finding the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and meeting so many beautiful and like-minded people has provided me with a refreshing new take on life!
I know I have so many gifts to give this world and the hardships I have endured in my life were meant for me because someone or something knew I could handle it. Not only could I handle it, but I would come out better on the other side. I am not here to tell anyone what to do. I am here to be a listener. Listening is a skill that not many people actually have mastered. Sure, they may think they’re a good listener, but in reality they are only thinking what their next response is going to be while you’re talking. That is not listening. Allowing your mind to be free from whatever distractions are going on and fully embracing the other person is what listening is all about. I am here to listen. I am here to listen to what the world decides to tell me. The good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. ALL OF IT! I am here to soak it up and give it back to you all. Paying it forward if you will!
This is going to be quite an adventurous ride consisting of hills, curves, straightaways, loop-d-loops, and everything in between. So strap in folks, and let’s begin!