The power of control

Oh how I hate the scale…Not just the actual physical device but the entire meaning that goes with it. I would say my relationship with the scale for a VERY long time now would be a love-hate relationship. I hate it because no matter how low my weight got on it, I was just never satisfied with the number. I’d say I love it because I used, and at times still use it, as a way to try and uplift my mood. In the end, my emotional well being always suffers when I come in contact with that damn scale.

A quick background on my story…In high school I developed an eating disorder to help cope with my depression. Many people think eating disorders are all about food. Those people are far from the truth. For me, and many others, my eating disorder was all about control. I felt like my life was spinning out of control, but the ONE thing I could control was what and how much food I put in my body. I had joined powerlifting to give me something to do during the winter before track started in the spring time. If you don’t know much about powerlifting, you are divided into weight classes. Now, if for some unheard reason you tie with someone in your weight class, the person who weighed less would win. Now, my type A-perfectionist personality took that and ran with it at full speed. In my mind I needed to be at the lowest weight I could be and continuing to get my weight lower would only benefit me in the long run. Boy, was I VERY wrong! That whole little escapade landed me in a very very dark and destructive hole. I describe that as a hole, because I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into it and I never thought I would get out. I eventually  sought help through therapy and ended up going into an eating disorder treatment center. Now, am I ashamed of any of that? Nope. Like I said before, I would have never ended up here today if it was not for the struggles I went through.

Now I chose to write about this topic today because I remember talking to my husband after work and I told him I weighed myself. He usually responds with, “Don’t do that!” but today he said, “Blog about it.” I initially thought, “I don’t want to do that,” but what I did today is exactly what I said I would write about. The funny thing about saying you recovered from an eating disorder, is that there is always going to be that little voice in your head that wants you to go back to the dark side. Now, because I still eat the amount I need to eat to maintain weight and I cannot actually work out because of a back injury, my only control device left is to monitor my weight. For the longest time I made sure to never see, touch, or come into any close proximity with a scale. I knew exactly what it would do to me so I successfully managed to stay clear from it for quite some time. Since injuring my back and being unable to work out, my main stress reliever was no longer at my disposal. My eating disorder tendencies started to resurface and I started to weigh myself again. Every morning at work I would weigh myself. To give you an idea on how much I utilized this to give me “permission” to be so-called happy that day, if my weight would increase by ONLY 0.2 pounds, my mood would be shot for that entire day. 0.2 freakin’ pounds! I am not even joking about that amount. It became a very unhealthy habit and it was damaging my psyche. It wasn’t until my husband finally pointed out that I actually enjoyed losing weight. It wasn’t even that I was trying to maintain, but I was competing with myself to continue to lose. I went right back to that same mentality 15 years ago when all I wanted to do was get to that lowest weight. After 4-5 months of weighing myself every day at work, I finally stopped. And for the past 2 months or so I was doing good, until today. Today is when I let my eating disorder control my mood. Do I see this as a major set back? Nope. Every day is a new day and I choose to treat it as such. I have not stopped fighting this stupid eating disorder since it started 15 years ago, and I will not let today stop that fight. Tomorrow is just another day that I get to prove to myself that I am stronger than my eating disorder and I will not succumb to the temptation of the scale. The power of control is with me.

I decided to share this story with you guys today because I know I am not alone. I know others struggle with this as well on a daily basis. I am here to help anyone who is struggling get through it. I live first hand experience battling negative thoughts and always coming out ahead of it on the other side. I know that kind of ammo will help me towards becoming a successful Health and Wellness coach. I like to always remember the Icelandic phrase, “þetta Reddast,” everything will all work out ok.

Please comment below because I would love to hear your stories! You can also email me directly at katie@joyfulbeets.com.

5 thoughts on “The power of control

  1. Karen Kneisler says:

    I’m going to try this again. My post from this morning didn’t record. I’m so proud of you. You were always strong willed and I feel that will take you far. What I’m seeing when I read this is a wonderful talent of communication. You have more talent in your little finger than I’ll ever have. Listen to your heart and keep pursuing what your heart tells you. Love mom

    Like

  2. Karen Kneisler says:

    Love your strength, Katie and your “can do” attitude. You are a fighter and have gained a lot of wisdom in your life. Always know that you have our love and support.

    Like

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